Interchangeable
by Literate
Summary: In appearance, personality, thoughts, and actions, we’re the same, and interchangeable. Is it legal... to fall in love with your own image...?


I've been working on this for a looooooong time. I really like this, actually. But I was too scared to put it up, since this contains one of my first written make-out and half-lemon scene. Well, it's not really lemon, nor it is really lime...

I wrote this when I ran out of Hitachiincest to read. It's _my_ ideal outlooks; if and when Hikaru and Kaoru are in love with each other, it'd be like this. :D

I dun own any thing from Ouran High School Host Club. This is sorta AU, timeframe: year before Haruhi comes, aaand... rated M for explicit scenes.

* * *

We _are _interchangeable.

And it's _fact_.

-1-

We're one and completely symmetrical.

He sits across from me, adjusting the black hair pins kept behind his left ear. My eyes slowly slide close, a hand wandering to the right side of my head, fingering my own, subconsciously. Like a mirror, I look at his glassy hazel eyes, knowing that I held that expression in my eyes too.

Outsiders find it strange that we have a emotionless mask on all the time.

But it's natural.

As natural as it is for me to imitate my twin's movements without the slightest difficulty, as natural as it is for me to experience the same emotions towards the same things, as natural as it is for me to be… Kaoru.

Nothing we can do amazes me more.

"Hikaru-kun," one of our many customers (all brotherly-love fanatics) ask my brother; we both raise identical brows in interest, to which the girl immediately blushes a slight shade of pink, stuttering, "W-Well, today the class made some chocolate chip cookies. I-I knew you liked chocolate, so I…"

Imperceptibly, my twin narrows his eyes, his expression not changing in the slightest. His soft smile still graces his lips, as he throws a casual glance at me. The girls giggle at this rather knowing exchange and a small package of cookies is passed into his hands.

He hides it well; from everyone but me.

I know his irritation; it isn't like he _hates_ chocolate, but he's annoyed that it was associated with him. With a slight hesitation, he popped one of the (slightly burnt, we both note) cookies into his mouth, jutting a half of the crummy snack out, as if it pains him to even stick it in his mouth. (Although it looks like he's simply tuned off the rest of the world with his empty (dream-like) gaze.)

I see an opportunity when I see one.

_Strawberries_ are going to hate him if he's all over chocolate now. As such, he also has no right to deny _me_ of my favorite flavor.

I twist my incoming smirk into a longing pout, the thin veneer of weakness just masking an amused glint. Acting it out smoothly, I force tears into the corners of my eyes as I ask gently, "Aren't you going to share with me?"

I hear the girls gasp in unison as my face was pulled closer to my mirror image, _too_ close for normal brothers.

But we aren't normal brothers.

"Kaoru," he addressed softly, letting the word run over his tongue, "Of course, I would. We share _everything_." I take his smile as a cue to be a little forward, and as timidly as my shy acting allowed, nibble on the cookie he still has in his mouth.

With an earful of girl's screaming at the (oh-so-close) kiss, I force the particle down my throat. My instincts were right; the cookies did taste like shit.

I look at my brother, who inconspicuously deposits the rest of the saliva covered cookie into his drained teacup. And he thought so too, only with an all too obvious grimace.

"Etto, Hikaru-kun?" My twin blinks, then straightens up. I lean onto a hand, elbow resting on the table, regaining my bored expression.

Although, if I have to say where we fail at acting…

"I-I thought you _liked_ chocolates…" the girl seemed to be choked on her tears.

…it would be hiding our preferences.

"Hime-sama," he leans in towards me, with as much control as he could muster, "I can only appreciate your cookies from afar…"

His voice turns into a whisper that still I can hear, "What if my brother thought wrong of it… He might be too sensitive at times…"

The roundabout words bring the girls successfully out of a solemn thought and they cheer happily about the "unbroken, resilient brotherly love."

My eyes slide suspiciously towards my twin, who smiles it off.

_Impressed?_ His calm glance asks.

_I'm not stroking your ego._ I growl, sending a poisonous glare at the white teacup in front of me.

_Hikaru, you're proud_.His fingers tap the brown tabletop, his relaxed posture singing to me his amusement.

I know he knows this as well as I know him and he knows me.

I'm not only Hikaru, but I can be Kaoru just as easily.

Kaoru is not only himself, but he can be Hikaru whenever he pleased.

_We're one, one half of a whole, interchangeable._

-2-

It's only the second week of hosting when the glasses-donning first year comes to the conclusion.

Well, not that the loud blonde friend of his proposing that they could begin to cosplay some weird themes, like of ancient Greece or French teacups.

Rather…

His glasses reflects a ray of light as he turns to study the two middle school third-years reclining in their comfortable red velvet couches. The extremely close twin brothers are _too_ convincing for their own good, Ootori Kyouya thinks, silently watching as the elder grips his twin's hand, feeding the younger with a small forkful of vanilla cake (imported directly from France.)

Unlike a small loli-shota's addictiveness to cake, nor the unrelenting silence of a towering second year, and completely different from his classmate's princely air and romantic words, and of his cool, calm attitude that he himself has…

The twins are _different_.

Instead of sticking to a certain theme or "type" they are all assigned (although they did adhered to it fairly enough) … they…

Kyouya finds himself writing in his black notebook again, penning in words in a small block of a personal chart and table. He made it on the second day of the host club, after two completely different displays of their act. He marks it underneath today's date, onyx eyes roaming across the previous entries before settling onto the one that he noted down.

_1- Monday- the younger of the twins (forced to play uke) succeeds in fainting publicly into his twin's arms, saying something about "too many people" for his liking. The elder is seme. Nothing else abnormal._

_2- Tuesday- Hikaru (older) accidentally drops his (presumably hot) cup of tea onto his foot, and consoled by Kaoru (younger) that it was "okay to be nervous." (Note: Last time I checked, Kaoru was nervous the day before.)_

_3- Wednesday- Kaoru asks for help on (English, his best subject) homework and Hikaru (calmly) tells him the (wrong) answers. Kaoru, then, panics about a French test the next day (that he'd easily pass) and Hikaru consoles him._

…

_6- Monday- Kaoru is given cookies and Hikaru whines for it to be shared with him. (Note: Kaoru hates chocolate, Hikaru loves it.)_

_7- Tuesday- Hikaru feeds Kaoru cake-_

_Crash!_

"Hikaru-kun! Kaoru-kun! Are you two alright?!" the girls near them shriek, as the king immediately rush to the twins' side, concern for the youngest members of the club. His worried face relaxes as he sees a familiar act played.

"Gomen, it's all my fault. Daijoubu?" Kaoru's shrill uke tone fusses over his brother's small bruise. His hand had collided with the vase of flowers; although why it's Kaoru's fault has yet to be seen. "If I hadn't distracted you…"

"It's alright," Hikaru's calm voice inserts, his hazel eyes locking with another pair of hazel. "Who doesn't enjoy getting distracted from you?"

"Hikaru…" The softer twin whispers as he buries his face into his brother's shoulder.

Kyouya watches the sight intently before jotting down some more notes.

_-and Kaoru makes a big commotion of distracting Hikaru._

He makes a mental note to fine them for breaking their props in their act, but lets it off as he hears the customer's contented screams in the background.

The first-year is probably the only one who notices that they switch their roles as much as they could switch their identities in school. Not that it _seems _like they are ever switching…

(Honestly, the girls have already decided that Hikaru (the elder) was the seme and Kaoru (the younger) was the uke. First impressions, apparently. They also tend to avoid using their names whenever they switch…)

… Do they even care?

But- Kyouya mulls- they're so damn convincing that it's hard to even tell when they switched their parts in a homosexual relationship and even more to tell them apart when they act completely like the other twin (deliberately).

It's strangely eerie that they can act so much like each other, strangely symmetrical when they can mirror each other perfectly, and strangely appealing since this is something that can't be copied.

_They're two, two halves of the same whole, interchangeable._

-3-

Just because my brother is three minutes younger than me doesn't mean he can't be a perfectly convincing seme. Just because I'm logically the elder doesn't mean I can't pull off a uke act of my own.

Our _brotherly love_ doesn't have a preset requirement: that the uke just _had_ to be the younger, that the seme just _had_ to be the older.

We're interchangeable.

We're both as mischievous, both as cunning, and both as heavy pranksters and troublemakers as the other. We both come up with ideas the same time, just as devious, just as interesting, and not any more malicious than the other. In my mind, we're the same halves of a whole, so it doesn't matter which twin is the seme and which twin is the uke as long as _there's a seme and a uke _and _neither_ are solely the seme and solely the uke.

We are interchangeable.

Therefore, we are the same.

It's just the three minutes that mattered.

No, scratch that, it doesn't matter.

Because no matter how people might see it, (if _Hikaru_ is always the seme), (if _Kaoru_ is always the uke), then they still can't tell us apart.

Because we're identically symmetrical and all too similarly alike with each other, then it doesn't matter since half the time, the younger is the attacker and the elder, the receiver.

Frick the three minutes which seemed to state that I was older.

To me and Kaoru, it's just three minutes that never happened.

-4-

It began just before we turned fourteen.

We heard whispers and gossip whenever we walked down the high school campus, mostly because while we didn't belong there as middle school students, we did.

At first, there was only talk of the newly created club; the one we ourselves joined, the Host Club. At first, it was only the girls, chatting chirpily to each other about with host they should designate, what they should give to their favorite host that afternoon, and how amazing each and every host was.

But for some reason, I tune all these incessant chatters out of my head and listen, I really listen to what everyone (the public) _really_ think about the Host Club.

There're some about our lord, _Dono_, who founded the Host Club and wonder if he was absolutely insane and crazy for coming up with an idea like that.

I mean, a _Host Club_, something _girls_ did. Apparently, the popularity of the Host Club spread and they didn't question the sanity of the club president since it's raking in so much dough.

Then, there's question about Kyouya-senpai's allegiance; a hard nut to crack like him shouldn't, couldn't, and wouldn't have joined the club as vice president. But he did, and now people wonder if he could've only done it to humiliate himself in front of his strict father. Once again, the Host Club's success shut them up.

And then, there's the concerns involving Hani-senpai and Mori-senpai. Whether or not Hani-senpai would be a disgrace to his family because of his lack of self-control in his indulgence. And Mori-senpai of allying himself with a bunny-carrying cake-eating childish cousin of his. No, the admiration from the rest of the school covered for them.

We hear it later. We're a little irritated that we happen to be almost unknown in the high school campus, but slowly and surely, everyone turns their eyes on us. At first, it's just blind praise, giggles, and laughter from the girls, who loves seeing a "forbidden" love, how daring and bold. But soon, the saner side of the student population, we only hear it when we walk to the Third Music Room-

"It's sick and wrong; twin brothers loving each other!"

_What so sick about that?_ my innocent mind wonder.

"I kind of knew it would happen between them. Do you know how close they are?"

_Really, do you really know how close?_ I think, narrowing my eyes in annoyance. We both had a nonchalant face on; these thoughts, by now, don't affect us at all.

"Who knew they would go as far as even pretend to love each other in that way!"

_How do you know we were pretending?_

"Their parents were too lax on them; had it been _my_ father…"

My hand just grasps my brother's harder. I want to get out of here as fast as possible, before I blow.

"You know, what with all those rumors flying around, I wouldn't be surprised that they've already crossed the line."

I pause in mid-step and looked at the speaker curiously. For all the people in that hall, I could easily pinpoint the exact mouth that had uttered those last words. He notices my knife-welding glare and I turn around, walking briskly away before I could get my hands on his puny little neck, that I hope maybe, just maybe Kaoru would sense my disturbance and do it for me (but hopefully not commit murder, or anything of the sort). I stalk off towards the end of the South Corridor, blinding stomping out my path, everything out of the norm.

I cover my troubled mind with my apathetic face, my concerned twin in pursuit.

It was only that time when I ever stopped to think. It had always been me and him, Hikaru and Kaoru against the world. No, rather, it had been just him in the world, whom I had truly trusted in, confided in, and promised a whole happy life with. He was with me my entire life; he was certainly my brother through and through.

_What is it then, do I really love him?_

My emotions wreak holes in the walls of my brain and I regain only a shred of reason to think if Kaoru ever felt the same way-

_-if he ever questioned our relationship before-_

And judging by the way he knowingly looks at me, he probably does.

_In appearance, personality, thoughts, and actions, we're the same, and interchangeable. Is it legal… to fall in love with your own image…?_

Four days later, I came to the conclusion that we were probably closer than brothers.

-5-

I tried an aching five times, to get my twin alone and to talk quietly with him, seriously. Breakfast (but we were immediately pushed into the car), the drive (but I was so flustered and he, so interested in the scenery outside), just before lunch (but I chickened out and dragged him to the cafeteria), during break (but there was just so many _girls_ there!), and, last but not least, before the host club. It failed, mostly because it took a full twenty minutes to run to the other campus.

"Kaoru," I whisper shyly, as he silently closes the door of the bustling Host Club. It's empty, and no one could suddenly appear out of nowhere. A faint pink tints my cheeks as I think again about how awkward it could be with my brother.

My _twin _brother.

He looks at me in confusion, then states, "Hikaru, we have about… five minutes before Kyouya-senpai comes and tells us off."

I crack. Kaoru just broke whatever sanity I had left.

"Kaoru!" I whine, "This is important."

He blinks at me, "Oh. Is it something about the other day?"

"What?" I blink, he blinks, and we both blink confused. I shake my head, "Not the point! But I've been thinking, Kaoru, you know I was wondering if- if-"

"If?" he goads, his expression still as blank as before.

"You _know_! That!" I splutter, waving my arms desperately in the air.

Silence. I turn away from him, crossing my arms in a defeated manner. He doesn't understand; of course he doesn't. What sane guy would think about things like that? My face heated up, "Never mind-"

"You mean- Gay? Are we gay?" My skin prickle as his breath hovers near my ear. Gaping, I whip around to see my perfectly calm brother looking at me as if I went nuts. I guess I must've been staring at him in the same way.

There was more unneeded silence.

"Y-Yeah," I brush at my hair nervously, "With each other…"

He frowns at me; he doesn't have the answer either.

"I don't know…" Kaoru sighs, closing his eyes, and places a comforting hand on my shoulder. His casual touch calms me down, even if I know he's just as flustered.

"You know-" I start, grabbing my brother by his shoulders.

"Why don't we test-" we stop in mid-sentence, blinking at each other as the realization dawns.

We had the same idea; therefore, we didn't have to ask.

The same thing buzzes in our heads. My hands slide down to his waist.

"Do we even know how close we are?" Kaoru thinks out loud, his entire weight leaning on my shoulders.

I shake my head, "Do we even know how far we've gone?"

"How many normal barriers have we already broken?" he continued quizzically.

(Hoping that I'm not being too forward) I lean against the identical body before me, arms circling around Kaoru's back, as his hands find themselves playing with the back of my neck. I whisper softly, "No, but why not we see now? Whether as brothers or lovers?"

In an unhesitant instant, I push bravely forward, my lips meeting a symmetrical pair softly. Five seconds later, we break apart, Kaoru trailing a finger along his mouth, as I lick my lips, wondering if there's a special taste to it now. It sort of does.

I raise my hazel eyes at my brother, who looks at me in turn.

"Well, that's one down," I say, eyes blinking in disbelief, raising a hand to touch my lips. I had just kissed my brother of all people! But… "Kaoru, was it disgusting?"

I bite my bottom lip, hoping that it won't be obvious that I kind of liked it. Nope, all I was thinking about was his reaction…

-_does he like it? Does he hate it? Is he going to hate _me-

"No, not at all," he remarks (way too casually), and then wraps his arms around my neck again, pulling me closer, his eyes half-closing in seductiveness, "But, there's so many things that society deems disgusting that we've done."

I blink, then I smile, in spite of the situation. He understands; he always understands.

"Try it again?"

There's no need for approval as my lips crash against his again, my eyes sliding close to soak up the touch. This time I savor the taste of a distinct strawberry frosting that he had just eaten, the softness of his skin as I ran a tongue along his lower lip, and I can't believe, just can't believe, that I'm really touching him as I am doing now. _And I really don't mind_.

It isn't me, but it's Kaoru who decides to take it another step further (I am, _was_, enjoying it as it was), who opens up a small rift between us and gently nudges his tongue into my mouth. I gasp against his clever tongue, as small mischievous giggles echo from him to me, his hands practically pushing my lips against his.

Damn Kaoru for being so…

A shock rips through me as my _younger_ twin brother takes an initiative again. He runs one hand down my back and along my (very ticklish) side, all the while thoroughly distracting me with the small nudges that he was poking my submissive tongue with. I can only faintly recall slightly movement and my back slams hard against the doors.

I open my eyes to see Kaoru looking slyly at me. My eyes lidded, then widen when my twin's taunting fingertips dance along my side; feeling the pressing presence of his tongue in his mouth, I let out a small moan. I feel him smirk against my lips as I try to mumble something incoherent.

"What is it?" he asks, tone sugary sweet despite the amused expression he had on; I know he loves seeing me defenseless. My mouth, now free to move, opens once and twice, before a playful smile creeps onto my face.

"My turn."

His surprise flits away, as I push him off myself and flip our positions. My hands cup the sides of my twin's face, as I watch him wonder. Hormones play no part; it was all sheer emotion.

And quite possibly habit.

_If he had his fair share of amusement, then I should too._

Everything was reciprocated, given after and paid in full. And reciprocate I did.

He tilts his head as I fall against him, eyes closing, picking up where I had been rudely interrupted. I dally with rubbing my tongue against his (very soft) lips repeatedly before poking at it tentatively. He opens up his identical mouth and I feel his breath hitch as I shove my tongue (a bit) too hard into his. Finding my hands moving to possibly other places, I catch myself at the time limit and pull away at my twin's muffled protests.

"Five minutes, time's up," he catches his breath, staring at me as he always did before.

"Do we love each other?" I press. "More than brothers?"

_Did we already love each other?_

He blinks, then looks off distantly, not meeting my gaze, "… Hikaru, I don't know."

_Was that it? Was that why we felt neither disgust nor lust at what we just did?_

Kaoru slides my hands from his waist and indifferently places his hand on the knob. And it was after five minutes, that we both return to the Host Club, our questions half-answered, no one suspecting anything.

-6-

We've always been equal, interchangeable.

_Always_.

And if, by some twist of fate, we are suddenly unequal…

_We were six._

The first time when my world reeled in havoc and the scales tipped over in unbalance.

_We were climbing a tree_. _That's what Kaoru would always say. But I hardly mention it at all._

The nanny was being particularly uncooperative with us that day, so we decided to bring justice to the household. After several minutes of setting up traps in her room, we made a mistake; we had locked ourselves in.

"Kaoru, she's coming!" I alerted my twin, who was finishing up with the last adjustment to a slingshot in the upper corner of the room. Nodding to him, I set off towards the door, when-

"Hikaru, wait, there's traps near the door!"

Yes, I knew that (but maybe my arrogance of dodging all of them was blinding me). After all, I set those up by myself.

"Who knows what she'll do if she found us in her room," I murmured, walking defeated back towards my twin, who had disappeared from the chair he was standing on. "Kaoru?"

"You know, there's a branch outside the win-" at that instant, I felt a breeze fly in and I turned to see a small six-year-old body hanging over the side of the window. He blinked, getting used to the night air then dangled his legs cautiously as he reached for a branch.

I secretly yelled a horray! We weren't going to be found out.

"Great idea," I ran over to the side of the window, clambering over the wide sill myself.

I grabbed a naturally tight hold on my brother's leg, as if it would let him reach farther-

-and _farther_-

-and so he wouldn't worry about falling, because I would always watch his back-

"Got it?" I asked, as Kaoru's body shook slightly.

"Y-Yeah," he nodded, steadily pulling his entire body onto the branch he had reeled in. He held out a hand and I clasped it securely, almost leaping onto the branch with no hesitation.

_-after all, if Kaoru could do it, so could I-_

I did think I was being stupid and all, for jumping so carelessly onto the branch. I just happened to catch Kaoru's surprised (and shocked look) before my footing slipped-

-and down we tumbled, _tumbled_-

-and _he_ was the one who fell first.

Later on that night, (the first time we were outside our home at night) I woke up in a white room, my head throbbing painfully, my back more.

-but the _other_ first thing I noticed was that _Kaoru_-

Panic almost seized me, as I could see -or rather, couldn't see- the familiar image of my brother.

"Kaoru!" I choked out, before I hopped out of the bed -with a painful thump- and attempted to open the door. I slid the door open a slight crack and whipped my head both ways around the halls. Spotting some idle adults in white clothing, I shouted, "Where's Kaoru?!"

And without waiting for the answer, I ran -I believe, through most of the very white building- until more annoying adults finally got a hold of me -rather painfully- and escorted me back to my room. (I was flailing my arms out.)

For the next hour, I had taken to glaring at any old people who walked into my room.

It was an hour -a painful hour- apart from my twin, and pretty soon, I tired myself out from screaming his name, and took to panicking in my sore head.

_-Kaoru normally knew what to do in these situations, where I was too crazed to think properly, or too hurt to see anything. He had commented before that me without him (in a vital time) was like being delirious. After the second time, I was convinced I had started hearing things, like-_

"Hi… Hika…?" a small whisper (that I swore that came from the back of my head). That was Kaoru's voice. "Hikaru?"

I opened my eyes and blinked.

Once.

Twice.

-it was either someone was being stupid with placing a mirror in front of me, or I really became delirious-

But I saw Kaoru, sitting across from me, a white cloth wrapped around his head-

-and he was _smiling_ like nothing was wrong-

"Kaoru?" My eyes suddenly felt moist. My throat was dry.

"Daijoubu?" he placed a hand on my head, and we flinched (simultaneously). "Hurts?"

I nodded, then reached a small hand to touch the place he had. "Yeah."

We sat in silence, soaking up each other's presence. Being apart for an hour was so draining.

I heaved a great sigh, and only now did I notice how painful I felt. I ignored it, as I saw the small twitches from my twin, as he tried to adjust his sitting position, "What about you? Did I fall, or something too, and you were just-"

He silenced me with a finger, "Shh, I'm fine. You just… crashed on me, that's all. I don't think I should be here, since I'm supposed to be in… "intensive" treatment."

"What's that?"

"No idea."

"Oh."

It's kind of like he felt me being sad, so he nudged me with a hand and rolled up his sleeve, unwrapping another white cloth that was on his arm, "Ne, Hikaru, I got these though. Kaasanya said they'll be gone-"

My eyes widened. What was _thread_ doing in my brother's (flawless)_ skin_?!

Without knowing it, I had grabbed his arm harshly, and tried tugging the hard white thread off-

Then, he _screamed_. Just screamed.

My eyes widened.

_No way, he just didn't do what I think he did-_

My fingers stopped and immediately pulled away from the thread, where some redness had already seeped through. My eyes widened even more at the sight of blood, "Kaoru, I'm so sorry-!"

I wasn't thinking- I don't know what it is- Kaoru, where else did you get hurt?- and all questions were left unsaid, as I grabbed his body and hugged him against mine (as if the pain would leave him), shaking yet trying to sooth him at the same time.

We were unbalanced. He was hurt, I was not; he was in pain, I was not. Even if I did fall after him, he fell first and thus got hurt- _and I didn't._

-I must've have such an obsession with it, because it _told us apart_-

Or- was it because I was putting the blame all on myself-

"If _I _hadn't rocked the branch, if _I_ hadn't trapped us in that room, Kaoru wouldn't be hurt-"

"Hikaru, dear, it can't be helped, stop beating yourself up because of that," my mother tried to console me.

"Why did _Kaoru_ have to be the one who got hurt? Why not me? I'm older!"

My six-year-old mind must've been so twisted to think of something like that.

I tried _six_ times before I gave up. (One for every year we lived, I remember thinking.) I couldn't go very far, because Kaoru was watching me intently, but as cunning mind I had-

I tried to cut myself in any accidental way as possible; cooking, gardening, carpentry, tools, anything. I had six times the stitches that Kaoru had, and it was then I thought my punishment was enough.

But it soon convinced okaasan to remove the offending pieces of string surgically so no one ever believed that story.

Our life went back to normal. And I had successfully -no, _we_ had successfully- placed that incident to the back of our six-year-old memory trash bin.

_If, by some twist of fate, we are suddenly unequal…_

_I will, by all means, make it equal, and therefore interchangeable._

-7-

It's either we acted so innocently that no one ever accused us for having a taboo relationship or we lived it so damn well no one could tell the difference.

And still I don't know which one it is.

There's no difference in the way I always glance at my brother, who simply sits next to me, reading a book. There's no difference in the way my hand finds itself trailing around my brother's shoulders. There's no difference in the way we will always find ourselves touching in some certain (most-likely provoking) ways (and ignoring it as usual).

The only difference is that I'm actually noticing that I'm doing it now.

And when you notice something, you hope that no one else does to.

(Which is good; because other than the extended bathroom breaks, the extreme tardiness, and absolute disregard for the other twin's personal space (not that we had any to ignore in the first place, which included leaning in face-to-face contact to almost kiss…) Well, everyone thought we were normal.)

Unfortunately, if you have a twin who is experiencing the same things too and- I look at my brother, who casually shrugs off my hand (as he normally does)- who's not experiencing extremely troubled feelings, then you know- _know_ -that something's wrong with you.

I didn't think about going farther- I don't know what my reaction might be- but I guess I'd have to hand it to that idiot lord for even mentioning it, like _this_.

"Hikaru, Kaoru, your act is beginning to become slightly transparent," Kyouya-senpai says, eyes closed sophisticatedly with his clipboard in hand, "The "brotherly love" is actually a mix of brotherly intents with close and personal touches…"

"Etto," I begin, "What are you-"

"-talking about?" Kaoru picks up, just as confused as I am.

"Kyouya means-!" We can almost hear the annoying high school freshman spin behind us with his large array of white roses, "-that you two must be more reserved with your relationship but drop obvious, _obvious_ hints!"

-Pause for a sec. This, _this_.-

"What?" we deadpan.

"I mean, hold each other more!"

We blink, before I begin to grimace, _Don't we already-?_

"Talk of your relationship like it's behind closed doors!"

We give each other a bored look, _it already is-_

"Be more forward and loud! And hint to more of the naughty things!"

At this point, he starts his exaggerated motions, the flowers still adorning the air and- _where did those sparkles come from?_

"Aren't you two the devil type?! Be more like it!"

There's silence as he finishes his loud and annoying speech.

"Well, whatever my lord requests-" I shrug nonchalantly, Kaoru mirroring me -or was it the other way around?- _after all, what could it hurt? _The act was getting boring anyway.

"-we will happily comply."

And so…

Unfortunately… unfortunately… that planted the _worse_ kind of illness _ever_.

"Oh, Hikaru, I heard you got a confession letter this morning," one of our customers comment, bringing my attention to the girl. I blink once from hearing my name, but -again- the girl was directing this question to Kaoru. (Does Kaoru really look like me that much?)

And as according to our roles, today we switch. (It depends only on who the customers decide to label Hikaru and Kaoru, the seme and the uke. _We really didn't care_, I thought on hindsight.)

I don't know what Kaoru's doing but he bluntly answers it- like I would usually do (so maybe he was acting like me… or something)- saying something like, "Um, yeah, just from one of the B class girls again. I don't plan on getting into any relationships right now…"

Oh, I realize. He has our own hesitant relationship on his mind. I think for several seconds.

I totally miss the bait, when another one asks, "What about Kaoru?"

We blink. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice that very identical flustered face plastered onto Kaoru. I open my mouth pointlessly once and twice, but luckily Kaoru jumps in, "Well, I'm reserving all my special attention for him. I don't believe we've spent enough time with each other…"

And here I'm supposed to… er, squeal or something. But my mind draws up a blank.

"Kao-" I catch myself just in time and the three girls cock their head (in confusion). A blush that had been making its way onto my face the entire time accompanies the shy look in my eyes as I turn away (to collect myself and act), "Hikaru," I whisper timidly, pulling on my brother's sleeve. (I think it's odd to say my own name…) "In front of everyone… too?"

"Well," he says, confidently, delicately touching the bottom of my chin and drawing me closer to him. I blink before I notice we were a mere centimeter away and in range of kissing- "If you mind… of course…"

-and I'm thinking about killing him if he does something like that in front of the girls-

The hand that's on his sleeve tightens, and he stops, looking at me questionably.

"Hikaru, save it-" I say softly and slowly, then lowering my voice to a near inaudible whisper (but loud enough for the girls to hear) I continued, "-for tonight…"

He bursts out into a smile (probably thinking that I haven't gone all crazy on him) and slings an arm around me, pulling me closer. I try hard to keep my façade, but I couldn't resist giving him a cheeky smile.

_We can't leave it hanging in a limbo… even if we might not like the end results._

-8-

_I wonder… are we really fine with it…?_

"Hikaru," my twin drones, flipping shut the fashion magazine and slamming it (gracefully) onto the table. He has his indifferent, robotic, (un-cute), bored face on, and his tone does nothing more than lighten up the atmosphere.

Which is quiet.

And the Hitachiin twins aren't supposed to be quiet.

I release a heavy sigh and roll onto my stomach, the crisp periwinkle sheets crinkling softly, as I raise my head to stare at the dark navy wallpaper. I feel his presence fall onto the other side of the bed, and I turn my head to watch him look as equally as bored.

Habitually, I roll towards my brother, resting my back on his side, "It's boring."

There's quiet before he answers in his soft passive voice, "Give the Host Club some credit; this is the first time we got bored since we've joined."

"Mmm," I hum, not paying attention to his ramble at all, turning my body so it completely faces him. I start to close my eyes, but Kaoru leans in even closer to me, I blink, before giving him in irritated look, "What?"

"You know, I've been thinking about our lord's words yesterday," he starts, and immediately, he affirms my suspicions, hazel eyes turning away, "He said to pick it up a notch."

So my little brother _had_ been thinking about it.

"The idiot doesn't even know we kissed already," I comment dryly, rolling back onto my back, arms resting under my head, "If he doesn't know what our current love life is, then why give us up-in-the-air advice? That could apply to many things."

"But Hikaru-" he coos in the hypnotic voice of his.

And suddenly, Kaoru's on top of me-

"Kaoru, what the-" I widen my eyes even more as he leans forward and pecks me on the lips. He draws back just as quickly enough and surveys my shocked face with an amused smile.

"Should we take it farther?" he asks, just questioning, simple question, not a single ounce of lust was clouding his judgment. He gazes into my eyes, choosing his words carefully, "I just don't know, but we can't be in suspended animation with this kind of unbalanced relationship. It's either we do or we don't."

There's that word: unbalance. Is that why I feel so queasy about that subject? That I might as well be walking on eggshells, just wondering what my brother might do? He's less touchy-feely, and dwells too much on the outsider's opinions. Would this kind of relationship work with him?

(Not only that, I think, my stomach quenching slightly, but Kaoru has a life ahead of him. Does he want to ruin the future- just to see if we are really in love?)

"Kaoru, do mind it?"

"Mind what?"

"You know…" I stutter slightly, and the lack of words makes the room seem drearier than before, "If… If we really _do_ like each other in that way, the non-brotherly way… would you like it?"

He stares, very strangely at me. There's more awkward silence.

"Hikaru," he starts again, taking this time to fully lay on me, an arm propping his head up. His discomforted face wrinkles once, but he's deep in thought so I don't think he notices that his elbow was grinding into my chest. He sighs, then turns to look at me straight on- I, cursing myself for the inability to read my brother- and leans so close to me that our chests are touching, our lips almost meeting. His lips ghosts over mine as his breath washes over me.

"I love you, Hikaru."

-and he said it with such sincerity it almost makes me want to kiss him right there-

"I… I love you, too."

-I hope I said it convincingly enough that it wouldn't sound oh so stupidly sappy-

I reach out around his neck and tug him closer (if that was possible), as he mumbled the exact thing that had been floating in my mind.

"And it doesn't matter what kind of love it is." I can't resist smiling.

"So, I guess we both don't care, right?" He nods, burying his head in a familiar place, the junction between my neck and shoulder.

He whispers (almost seductively) into my ear,

"Hikaru, are you ready for phase two?"

I smile; just the thing I've been waiting for.

"Kaoru, I should ask you that," I push my brother half off me so that we can see eye to eye. In an instant, I turn over, catching my twin off guard, pinning him onto the bed as he did with me.

Not giving him any time to recover, I crash my lips against his, capturing his soft lips, although it was slightly awkward that I avoided touching the rest of his body.

Although as charming and touchy we both are, I have no idea how to start it. My kiss lessen into a hesitant one -and I haven't even touched his mouth yet- my brother pulling away from me first.

"Is there a problem?" he asks, innocently.

A blush creeps onto my face.

-but I guess I can wing it-

Spurred on by that thought, I shock him again when I dive in, this time placing a long wet lick to his cheek. He shudders as I go lower, brushing my tongue against his skin, occasionally nibbling on him.

It's like he's an ice cream. Vanilla to be exact. His soft smooth skin tastes like vanilla. Must be the soap.

My tongue suddenly encounters dried fabric, and I stop a bit, choking on the cottony fibers that it had picked up. I give an annoyed glance at his light yellow school uniform, to his amused giggles. Frowning, I unbutton his shirt and drop it off somewhere in the room, before continuing to attack his neck with my tongue, teeth, and lips.

I heard somewhere that people usually bite each other when making out, but I don't want to hurt him. (And if I heard wrong, I don't want to hurt him anyway.)

My mind's in a haze now, as I shuffled lower and lower, my actions depending solely on instinctive nature. I close my eyes -content to only feeling every inch of his body- my hands exploring, touching places that I've often touched before. Only this time, I'm touching him deliberately. Then, I touch someplace that makes him purr- what a cute sound… My lips are around a certain place -and judging by the mental map I made for him- it must've been just above his stomach…

I lick lower, feeling slightly more confident than when I had started. My hands brush against his sides, occasionally reaching up to rub his chest… or do something stranger that induces a slightly pained gasp from him. I shoo my hand away from that area, raising my tongue and licking the sore spot that I had just pinched, which makes him tighten against me even more. Oh, Kamisama, what am I even _doing _now? Somehow my teeth are biting down more than usual… My head moves down again, my mind only half-attending to what I was doing, half trying to ignore the little sounds that Kaoru makes. I stop abruptly again, taking my mouth off his body and purse my lips into a frown. His stupid pants stopped me from…

Immediately I turn hundred shades of red, from pink to maroon, into flaming crimson. I can't believe I had just thought about _that_! (And so casually too.) I almost even make to get off of him, but find myself looking down to his very flushed body. I try to stifle a cry of embarrassment with my hand, and I can't help ignoring the feeling of sitting on him, _right there_.

-he must be hurting oh so very much right now-

Kaoru seems to sense my hesitance to go further. I raise my eyes to him, and am partially surprised that he hadn't been turned on by what I had been doing…

Okay, so his face is flushed red, so maybe it worked.

"Hikaru?" he whispers tentatively. I shake my head, still very crimson. He chuckles, amused, "Okay, idiot, I'll take over from here."

With that and a surprised yelp, I'm pinned to the bed, my half-naked brother on top of me, looking at my fully clothed body in distaste. My blush seems to be even more pronounced.

Well, after my very strange first time, he seems to know what to do.

Slowly, he rids my upper body from my uniform, delving in to capture my lips into a French kiss. His tongue is gentler, soothing against my own -and the way he runs his hands up my bare chest is enticing- and I find myself desperately kissing back, either trying to shove his tongue out, or shove my tongue in, as another surge of want, of dominance came over me.

Kaoru does a very good job with step two, his hands constantly busy with lavishing attention to my chest -doing the exact things I was doing without any hesitance- but while distracting me with an engrossing kiss the entire time. I think, he would've been better if I hadn't been constantly being dominant from the bottom.

My hands are in more action than before -spurred on by Kaoru touching me in so many other different ways- and often he stops to shudder or to purr at my touches. Sometimes, Kaoru looks just like a cat, mewing cutely while licking my lips. However, he pulls away from me, and trails a long lick along my tongue and it feels so delightfully pleasuring. He bites down on my ear, and I release a surprised gasp as his breath almost calms and rouses me. His attention solely begins to go further and further, and soon I'm in another long, long kiss.

My sanity gone all fuzzy as I try to chase away the hazy pleasures, yet accept the many touches from everywhere -his hands dance across my waist one too many times, and then more licks up my stomach, wet slimy ones- and I can't tell how long it had gone on, but it was longer -or shorter- than what I actually experienced. I'm entranced, distracted -he's placing flowery kisses along my collar bone- as my mouth finds his skin again, and instinctively bite it. My mind goes into a whirl again, as he arouses me more than I imagine and I find myself biting, sucking, and administering more touches onto his ticklish body. Pretty soon, I hear a _yelp_ of surprise, but I don't remember Kaoru screaming in the haziness, so then it-

I open my eyes blearily, sitting up, but I only see half of Kaoru's back, and I decided to place my tongue on it instead, wondering if it distracts me or my brother more. Sensations rippled up my stomach, shivers running along my spine, as I nestled my head comfortably into his hair, flickering out a tongue to touch the back of his neck, running my hands along his sides, hands slipping under a piece of cloth and suddenly-

The sound of a zipper; my eyes widen-

_-What the hell is Kaoru doing?! Wait- wait, what the hell am __**I**__ doing?!_-

My movements becomes frantic, but it only aids my twin in slipping my pantsoff. I shiver at his almost demonic contact -and- when he succeeds in pulling off my boxers as well, I feel entirely, entirely exposed.

-since when did Kaoru get the permission to be seme?- I think bitterly.

(He's acting like a cat again) He lowers his head to rest it against my stomach, and I flinch as his breath comes into contact with my abnormal warmth down there. His tongue flickers around my lower stomach area -along with his hands trailing along my ticklish side- this time, I hold back the cries in apprehension.

-common sense is telling me that if I don't like what he's doing, I should split and run away-

But I don't. It must be because he's the seme. He calms my panic by rubbing his hands along my chest, muffling my cries with his own lips, and he -knowing everything that he should ever do!- nibbles on my ear, eliciting a small sigh of relief. He picks up where he left off, and I find myself lying almost helplessly on the bed, looking up at his soft smile, before dizziness enters my mind again. I don't know why, but the spot that he's touching is the same place I did -right above the stomach- the same place I heard him purring in content off. Only, I am the one purring now.

Sounds alike felines decorates the room, and I find myself hypnotized by his back again, and then, without warning-

"Kaoru!" I shout, arching my back off the bed. Ah, that heat- the red flying back into my face, the next word moaned out in unwanted pleasure. "Kaoru," my entire body collapses onto the pillow, and I whimper softly, defenseless, helpless. It's like touching that very spot makes him solely the seme, solely the attacker.

He lets go and stares at me for a while, "Hikaru?"

I take this opportunity to release heavy breathes, and I try to assemble a coherent sentence, "Kaoru… what are you-" It's punctuated with the most loudest moan ever, as I tighten my stomach all over again. "Kaoru!" It's breathy and only entices him to do more.

I shudder as his tongue does… weird stuff-

-and I'm only thinking, _Kaoru's being so… sick-_

-but then, it feels good too. And then again, I'm not being close to disgusted, and then, he actually grabs me in his hand, dancing little circles, moving his fingers up and down, and I'm being thoroughly distracted, so much I can't think-

And he licks, just sucks, and I'm in wonder why I haven't screamed yet-

"KAORU!"

-okay, there it is. He licks his lips, satisfied with my out-of-character reaction, and continues to attend to it, as if he hadn't been just smiling -like a freaking idiot!- and he nibbles, and his swallowing, and almost entirely makes me just-

-I'm cursing my hormonal instincts now-

Shudders ripple through me as I totally lose it, frantically trying to do anything, to do something, and to- and to-

_Get that mocking grin off his face!_

Catching him totally off guard, I grab him by the shoulders, _making_ him let go and fiercely brought his face to mine. I'm breathing erratically -I enjoyed his tongue way too much- and he's catching his breath, a long line of drool (and of something white that I do not know, _do not want to know_) falling from his mouth as he stares at me in shock.

"Hika-"

He flusters as I pull him entirely onto me, licking around his lips and pushing my tongue into his mouth, tasting myself. He's wriggling awkwardly above me, as my tongue explores the moist cavern-

-so _this _is what I taste like, I wonder how Kaoru would-

_After all, he did it to me._

I hum against his lips, he still blinking rapidly, and -taking that to my advantage- I flip him back onto the bed, and leer dangerously at him.

And the tables are turned.

He gulps audibly.

"Who ever said _you_ could stay dominant, Kaoru?" my voice lower, and he's blushing almost uncontrollably. I lean entirely on him, forgetting about my previous embarrassment, only wanting to cause him some. I kiss him with fire, and I'm determined-

-oh so determined-

-to make him feel as I felt. Besides, being dominant has such a rush to it.

Pretty soon, he succumbs to my kiss, and I wrap my arms around his bare chest, hearing his heart beat, as I trail long licks (licking him is so much fun) along his stomach, as he shivers. I mentally remember the sensitive spot and apply a good long suck to it, completely drying his revenues of retaliation, making him gasp breathlessly. His legs lie completely still, and I adjust my attention to his neck again.

He's not rebelling; so I remember my plan of action-

"Hikaru!"

In one fell swoop, I slip off his pants (the only thing that was between me and my goal) and -before he could protest- ripped off his boxers as well. Settling between his legs, I engage him in a tongue battle again, distracting him from his exposed lower region, but he's still blushing as fiercely as ever.

I don't go through the lengths to completely calm him, but I taunt him with more and more touches, making him anticipate it, but then completely ignoring it. Licking his lower stomach, I finally see it-

-and wow, it was so identical to mine-

It went for about two long minutes when Kaoru finally gave up tensing every single time my lips ghosted over it. I think, the air conditioner was getting to me because I felt so hot and then so cold, and then, after twice I taunt him and he's completely relaxed, almost to the point of falling asleep-

-I finally take him into my mouth.

-and dang, did he get harder, I think with a smirk.

"Hikaru, what-what-" he gasps, and I hear his breath hitch as I suck long and hard. He shivers uncontrollably. Just what I wanted.

I run a finger around the base, flickering a tongue around the head, all the while sucking on it. I pause, once he cries out loudly, I almost deciding to let go, but he shoots me a pouting look. I smirk; alright, to be a _better_ seme.

-and with Kaoru's _slight_ encouragement-

I suck harder, trailing one hand around it, stroking the entire length, and with his uncontrollable shudders and unsaid stutters- he's grabbing onto the bed sheets like it was his lifeline, and his face was scrunched up in- in-

-wait, was it pain?-

I stop. "Kaoru?" I mumbled hesitantly, as he releases his iron-grip on the sheets. "What's wrong?"

He takes several breathless sighs, and I'm almost struck with guilt when I see that he's been sweating profusely.

"Kaoru? What's up?" I lean in forward, face to face, and he suddenly snaps his eyes open. I blink in confusion, before I notice -oh, they are touching.

I roll my eyes at this position, before I set a hand on his pounding heart, "Kaoru? What's with you?"

"Hikaru…" Good, he's able to make sentences. "I… Weren't you paying attention when they had that talk?" he asks irritably.

I blink, "… Nope. Not one bit. It was boring."

-I'm also kind of wondering why we can have such a normal conversation while we have absolutely no clothes on-

"Well," he weakly attempts to sit upright, but I push him back down. He tries to force me off, but then I notice I have an advantage.

"I'm not done."

The hand grips him tightly, and he falls backward weakly, whimpering at the touch, "Hikaru."

It was funny how I could do almost anything to him just by squeezing just so. I smile, he grimaces as I shuffled, straddling his waist this time. I lean down, he watches me apprehensively, and I just poke at the head with my tongue, squeezing him even more so. White trickles out.

Oh, I'm learning human biology. About my brother. Fun.

Leaning in closer, I lick it with my tongue, Kaoru shuddering in at my touch.

"Hikaru, s-stop, I think we can call it off now… you know…"

"Nope," I blatantly refuse, placing my mouth on him again, sucking on him, contently. (What's so content about that?) "I like this."

-this control I had-

Not only is he making sounds again but I'm making funny sounds too. He's shuddering under my touch, until-

"Stop- Stop, Hikaru!"

And then -I can't for my life wonder why to stop- until Kaoru cries out and fluid's suddenly clogging up in my throat. I immediately pull away.

Damn, I can't breath!

I'm about to lose more oxygen, I swallow the thick substance and then hack hoarsely, coughing, trying to sort out the dizziness in my head. I look at the object in question, and watched at it softened, dripping a small white stain on the sheets. Licking him clean, my hazel eyes move up his body until I met his weak smile.

"Kaoru," I lick at the edge of my mouth, "You made a mess."

He frowns, "Hikaru, I told you to stop-"

I silence him with my lips, pushing my tongue inside, adjusting my position so it would be easier to hold him. It was fun while it lasted, and the rush of dominance subsided.

And, then, it's all over. There's no evidence of what we just did besides two sticky bodies, locked doors, and two perfectly abnormal brothers. And then it hit me, what would become of us now? We went over the edge, over the line, just as that guy (who planted the idea in the first place) had said we might've. And, I didn't feel anything different. Like it was… _just a game._

_Kaoru, was it a game to you?_

It didn't take long for his heart to beat normally, and by that time, the light outside the windows are dimmed. The cold air bites at me and I snuggle closer to my brother's body.

"Kaoru? You awake?" I mumble, rubbing some sleep out of my eyes.

"… Yeah."

"Are you scared of it?"

"Of what?" I don't answer, but instead, hug the sheets closer to me. He snickers, "Finding out we're homosexual, no," he brushes a stray strand of hair out of my face. Then, he smiles softly, and taps a finger on my bare chest, "Are you?"

"… Maybe…"

He waits for me to say something.

"Okay, Kaoru, I am!" I bite my lower lip, "I think we really are, Kaoru. I don't know why, but I'm scared."

"Mmm, we can stop and call it off you know, if you mind it that much," he stretches lazily, looking at me with calm eyes.

"It's… not that."

I feel stupid.

"I mean, we're supposed to feel something definite that we are what we are…" I trail, "But we don't."

"I feel the same way, Hikaru," his confident voice soothes me, as he pats my back for comfort.

I manage to crack a smile, "You know, I really _do_ love you." I place my arms around him, nuzzling my face into his hair. "You're an amazing brother."

_We never said it aloud before, because it was always a given._

"Hikaru, you are too."

-9-

_Sometimes, being in a forbidden relationship is funny. Probably because no one can tell_.

Of course, we don't know if we really are.

Lately, I've been taking to the habit of coming on to my brother whenever no one's looking. He easily pushes it off and says that it's time for school (or something) and we're back to our normal behaviors.

It's not that I'm irritated at his reactions but I whole-heartedly believe that maybe we just did love each other as brothers…

… and just maybe as lovers…

There isn't a definite line there yet.

Have we been in love with each other since we were young?

"Kaoru," I whisper under my breath, as I watch my brother wash his hands in the sink. We had went out for a bathroom break, and I ended up making it longer than it should've been.

"What?" he raises a curious brow, and turns towards me. Leaning against the bathroom door (casually), I close my eyes.

"It isn't working," I finally say, sticking my hands into my pockets, twiddling with the loose threads inside-

-honestly, I need to get rid of them-

"You're referring to the daily kisses, I assume," he replies nonchalantly. I frown; he's obviously not going to help me.

"Yeah, just how farther can we go?" I wonder, but I feel his soft lips grace my cheek. I open my eyes and see him smirking cheekily at me.

"I heard about it," he notes, pulling away from me. "But they only talk about it in _high school_."

My mouth slacken slightly. He wasn't thinking what I was thinking… right? I gulp apprehensively and nod.

"And since the Host Club members are all so stunningly handsome, they should know how to do it… right?"

And that was how we, the innocent Hitachiin twins, founds ourselves in deep… deep… shit.

"Eh, my lord," we echo, "Have you ever done it?"

He blinks, obviously finding the question out of the blue. "Done what?"

"It," we pester.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8... 9... We bore of counting, and just watch as his usually pale-ish face turns into a red plum.

-and plums are purple, so he's turning purple now, is he losing air?-

"WHAT? Don't tell me-!" he points hysterically at us, soundlessly moving his mouth. He twitches then takes long deep, deep breathes.

Aw, he's calming down-

"KYOUYA! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY JUST SAID?!"

-Or not.

The stoical first-year glares at the stupid lord; he was typing stuff on his laptop, and the blonde decides to further annoy him and latch onto him as if his life depended on it.

"We know what we said, we know what we said," we shrug to each other, not seeing how this is such a big deal.

"What did you say?" Kyouya-senpai asks, adjusting his glasses to see us.

The "king" whimpers, "They asked me if I ever did _it_."

At this we look passive, as if that statement was generally to taunt the ignorance of the lord and _not_ seem like we were actually interested in knowing about it. And it seems that Kyouya-senpai bought it too.

"You see," I start, placing a casual arm around my brother, "We just wanted to know who actually does that kind of things at this age."

"We assumed my lord probably is well-informed about it," our mischievous smiles glimmer.

-yeah, probably with Kyouya-senpai; you never know with his shifting gazes-

"You're too young to know about that kind of things!" Tamaki stutters.

Our eyes flash, "Oh, so you _do_ know. Well-"

"-what does a man and woman do, when they really, really, really love each other?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Biology credit," we shrug.

And the Suoh's convinced, but I think the Ootori might wonder.

_And I can't help but think- No one really knows our true intentions. And I don't think they _should_ know._

-10-

We got nothing from my lord's rambles. I think he was attempting to protect our innocence but it doesn't work. At least, Kaoru finally gives up questioning him and excuses himself into the bathroom.

-but for once, I don't follow-

The idiot lord is looking at me like I'm insane (since it's the first time that I've willingly stayed behind.) I sigh heavily, and he looks at me in apprehension, as if I'm a bomb waiting to explode.

And explode I did-

"Suou Tamaki!" I snap, glaring at him. He freezes, "Are you _that_ heartless to deny us of such a simply answer?! It's for our biology grade, something that is very, very important to our lives! We have to write about it, and I for one thing don't know a single thing about sexual intercourse! Don't you care about what we get on our grades?! Despicable! You, as the president of the host club, should care about our working capabilities! If we can't turn this report in, we're going to be serving detention the entire next week getting it _pounded_ into our heads with the most _details_ ever! And then, we'll have to write twenty pages of it! Just tell me now and get it over with!"

The "king" seem to twitch at every single sentence I threw at him. After my entire totally winged speech, he had crawled into a corner of the music room, sulking and shaking in a fetal position. I feel somewhat guilty that I had said that to him, but the feeling soon passed-

-I _had_ to know if Kaoru and I were in that kind of relationship, that I'd even risk my innocence _and_ virginity-

He gave a shy sort of look at Kyouya, obviously noticing my displeasure. (Maybe he's thinking I'd throttle him. That's actually a good idea.) He adjusts his glasses, jots something down in his notebook, and then snaps it shut, "Tamaki, tell him."

"WHAT?!"

I smirk inwardly in accomplishment.

Minutes later, Kaoru comes back, a frown adorning his face.

And he drags a chipper (possibly out of his mind) Hikaru back home.

_So I guess the next question is… who's going to be on top?_

-11-

If there was something we could blame our sexual orientation on, it's the Host Club. Before then, that thought haven't even come to mind, much less poke itself into our lives. We were happy, innocent, but for some reason in a week -the long week in our third year of middle school- we adopted a new game.

And well, that's our host club's "brotherly love act." And, exactly eleven full days after we first heard of the probability of being in love, I think I've finally found my weakness.

And I'm thinking right now, as I sit across from my brother, _how is it going to be done?_

He brings up his knees to his bare chest, tapping on his foot with a finger. He's thinking. My sitting posture is more of a butterfly formation, I think that's what it's called. We're both completely nude (because well, this is after a making out session we've already had). And my twin is still thinking about it-

"Ne, Hikaru, how _exactly_ does it go… again?" he asks me, looking up to pierce my amber eyes.

"Um, my lord was being very vague so I wasn't sure."

His knees drop to his sides, mirroring the position I'm in. "Well, did you ask him how two guys do it?"

"Nope, Kyouya-senpai is already sort of suspicious. Who knows what he'll do if he finds out about that?" I scratch the back of my head.

We sigh. Kaoru averts his eyes to the pattern in the bed sheets; it's green today. I play around with my fingers.

-common sense tells me that there's something strange about both of us completely at ease with each other with no clothes on. That's gotta say something-

"Hikaru, since you know more about it than I do," he raises an index informatively, "You're on top."

"Why? I told you, didn't I?" I blink.

He shrugs, "Plus, you're older."

"That's not a very good reason, Kaoru," I cross my arms over my chest, forcing a frown onto my face.

"Hmm, is it possible that Hikaru is scared?" Kaoru coos, a strange sort of seductiveness in his voice. A warm hand presses onto my chest, "Don't worry, you're good at that kind of stuff."

I resist the urge to say "so are you."

"But that's besides the point," I huff, "What if people find out about it-"

"-door's locked-" Kaoru pipes up.

"They aren't deaf though!"

"Sound-" he taps the wall, "-proof."

"The windows!"

"Jeez, Hikaru, that's why there are curtains there," he rolls his eyes. I steam quietly. He looks (almost imploringly) at me, "Hikaru, we're the same-"

"-but different-" I mumble.

"-and interchangeable. What you can do, I can do. What I can do, you can do," he gives me an understanding smile, "It's all the matter of nerves."

I don't respond after that -yes, we are interchangeable, I know that for a (sad) fact- I raise my head to lock my eyes with him, and for a second, I see something-

_He wants me to do it. Because he can't._

Taking the shreds of my confidence, I pushed my brother softly onto the sheets, pinning him down (forcefully), gazing into his depthless amber pools. He didn't resist, I think with a pang. My hands move from his arms to gently finger his face. For some reason, he's looking at me like everything rests in my hands.

I shiver (going unnoticed).

"Kaoru, I'm just going to tell you now," I let a out a hesitant breath, "I'm not a professional."

"We're fourteen, of course not," he replies bluntly, and truthfully. I flinch at his comment.

I lightly touch his hand, receiving a squeeze of approval at whatever I was about to do.

-Kaoru, if I screw up, please forgive me-

My hands shoot downward, drawing a finger down his body. He shivers at my contact. And then, I just stop-

"What's the matter?" he asks me, starting to sit up to see what I was doing.

"Nothing, just figuring out where a guy's entrance is."

"… Oh," he flops back down, closing his eyes.

As for me, I have my tongue stuck out in concentration, my fingers moving around his lower body. I hear his breath hitch, then forcefully relax, and he flinches every time I touch a ticklish part. Furrowing my brows, I tap lightly against what I think would be the entrance and attempt to push it open.

-It's harder than I thought-

"Kaoru, it doesn't look like it'd work."

"I think you're supposed to do something-"

"It's a bit too tight, I guess. How in the world does it fit?"

"I think…" I blink at him, expectantly. He scrunches up his face in thought, ignoring how I was touching him in awkward and awfully provoking ways. I stop, to let him breath. "I think, you're supposed to go in fast."

"… Really?"

"Well. I guess so."

-oh, logic-

Well, that made sense. If something doesn't fit, you give it a nice hard push. I lower my eyes back to my hands, which are busy with making Kaoru make sounds, again. I raise his legs, a finger still on his entrance and give him one last look before I get set to push into him.

This is normal, I try to convince myself.

_THUMP_

It's anything that close, very close people should do.

_THUMP_

Why am I getting the feeling that I'm doing something wrong?

_THUMP_

Why am I feeling so nervous?

_THUMP_

My heart pounds faster as I get closer.

_THUMP_

I hear a resounding slam.

_THUMP_

I listen to the tentative silence.

Unfortunately, the next sound I hear is his scream.

_My weakness… is Kaoru himself._

-12-

When I looked back on that day weeks, months later, I concluded that yes, it was merely the result of our curiosity; yes, it wasn't either of our faults; and yes, maybe we were too young and inexperienced to do those kinds of things.

And yes, Hikaru wasn't meant (wasn't ever meant) to be seme.

Whenever people look at us, the Hitachiin twins, they see a Hikaru and Kaoru. A pair, a set of beings, two souls that were meant to be entwined, the little devils. They see Hikaru, the protective elder twin, and they see Kaoru, the mature younger twin. Each with faults and weaknesses that complement the other's strengths and abilities.

But in the time when there existed a very blurry line between who was mature, who was immature, who was rude, who was insensitive, we made a mistake-

I thought my sheer nervousness immediately labeled me as the bottom. He tried and failed to convince me to take the top, and even then, I did regret (somewhat) that I declined his offer.

But then, pain is and was a double-edged sword. And I, Kaoru, knew contradictions better than anyone else.

I'd rather be taking the sharp edge of the sword and leave the blunt for Hikaru.

Because, it's better to be hurt than hurt my own brother.

-13-

"Kaoru?"

Maybe, it's because were we just so damn innocent, we didn't even know how to do it properly. Or maybe, it's because Kaoru made a mistake, and I took his word for it. Or maybe, it's because we were perfect little virgins who randomly decide to go off and get rid of it in the weirdest way possible. Or maybe, I shouldn't have even brought up this topic at all in the first place. We should've just… left it as it is…

-but if we left it until we were older…-

Maybe I should've looked closer and say, just because I'm older doesn't mean I have to be on the top.

For _that _particular rule, twins are an exception. In actuality…

_It's all the matter of maturity._

At first, I'm surprised.

Kaoru doesn't respond. I can't see him. I can't hear him. I can feel him around me, like he's trying to squeeze himself close or something. It's like his entire body stopped for just that instance-

And then reality sets in -maybe I missed- when I hear a choked _something_ pierce the air.

"Kaoru?" I ask again, with more concern in my voice.

He doesn't answer.

I shake, fear creeping into my mind, "Kaoru? Answer me?"

Nothing.

I'm getting scared now.

I lean lower, and I hear another stifled gasp come from him. I rest my head against his chest -his heart is pounding- before raising my head up to look at him.

_He's not looking at me._

"Kaoru!"

My mind didn't have enough time to think, when my hands come up and secure his shoulder. Just this small movement forces him to open his eyes conveying a message- something to me-

-and in so many ways I deciphered it-

_Panic_.

_Alarm_.

_Shock._

And…

_And pain._

"Kaoru!"

My hands wander clumsily to find his face.

"What's wrong? What's happening?"

My own questions spark my own rising panic.

"Is it me? Oh, Kamisama, _no_."

And then, all hell is torn apart. My body panics in its own way. By _moving_.

-possibly the _only _thing that's different from him-

"Kaoru, what-" a pained cry, "-gomen, Kaoru, I-" he shudders violently against me and even more so when I try to do something, and just try to inch closer to him-

-_but how much closer can we already get?-_

"Kaoru, should I pull out?" I ask shakily; I receive no response, again. Feeling scared, I place my hands on either side of him and attempt to slide myself out.

My legs buckle unexpectedly under me, and I collapse fully on top of him.

And then, he screams.

Instead of freezing in the act, I lose all control.

-Kaoru, he's not saying anything, not doing anything. I'm…-

Frantically, I grab for my brother, hands grazing, body pushing against him. I even attempt the strangest positions.

He still cries out.

I have to make him stop!

How? How? How?

-And I'm too out of my mind to do anything about it-

It cycles.

Time doesn't exist now. It's just me and Kaoru.

And for the first time, it's like being alone.

-alone, even when he's there, your other half is there, but still alone, by yourself, on your own, and in _your _hands-

Somewhere, I blindly reach out and grab things, anything, my hands knocked into the bedpost, overturning the sheets, and then-

-my heart catches a breath-

-I tumble off the bed.

Somehow dragging Kaoru down with me; it's either he grabbed onto me, or I grabbed onto him-

My back hits the floor -it's concrete- and I hardly had any time-

-and Kaoru collapses on top of me.

I'm still in him. He still around me.

And gravity sucks.

"Kaoru!" I yell, watching as he twitches at the hard contact.

-it's unfair, unfair that he has to experience this pain-

I see tears stream from his eyes, my eyes are moistening-

-I'm useless. I can't do anything-

Looking up at him -he also bumps his head against the nightstand- I raise a hand, to wipe away his tears-

-like I could wipe out his pain-

And I think, I'm crying too now. Sobbing. Hysterically. Practically pounding my fists against him.

I feel useless. _Hope_less.

He's still doing nothing.

I'm still causing him pain.

I don't like this.

Why?

_It's __**my**__ fault and I can't do anything about it._

_I'm causing him pain and for once I can't stop it._

-14-

It's a long time. I'm by myself. I dragged myself in this situation and I'm drowning now.

Kaoru can't save me.

Because he's drowning too. In a deeper end of the pool.

I'm all alone now, I don't know what to do.

Alone, and the world's against me…

I feel crushed.

-well, maybe that's because Kaoru's on top of me-

"Kamisama… Kaoru, I'm sorry. I'm never going to hurt you like that again… Never. Can this stop?" I ask breathlessly, "Say something, Kaoru… I don't want to be alone…"

Slowly, so slow I could hardly see or feel him move, he wraps his arms around me. It's neither weak, which I was so sure it should be, nor firm, which I wished it would be.

"Hikaru?" He neither asks nor states it. Like he's unsure of what to do.

It's a comforting presence. Almost instinctively, I grab him firmly and nuzzle my wet face into his chest.

He sucks in a long gasp, that I'm sure must've been a painful one. I just hug him tighter. I can't see his face, but he's tense, and it hurts for him. I can tell. He pulls me closer, regardless, eyes shut, hands rested comfortably around my shoulders.

"Kaoru," I choke -am I still crying?- "Say something… Please…"

Anything.

"Kaoru, please… Just a word."

_Please, Kaoru, tell me everything is alright._

His grip on me tightens, and then that single motion relaxes me, my embrace softens, my heart begins to rest.

And I just close my eyes, absorbing the tranquil peace in the moment.

I don't know how long we were in that position. But it was long, peaceful, quiet, and… relaxing. I'm breathing shallow breathes, in time with my brother's, eyes closed, sleeping.

Like any brothers should do.

Together.

On the floor.

In the middle of sex.

I jolt suddenly at that thought, "Kaoru-"

He doesn't help matters. He tightens his grip on me, like he was trying to transfer pain…

Just when I'm about to shake him, I squeeze my eyes close and try not to hyperventilate. His hands does wonders for my nerves.

Too long afterwards, he finally says, "Hikaru."

"I'm sorry," I murmur, trying not to move.

"Pull out."

My eyes widen. Did he just say what I thought he just said? "What?" I move against him, yearning for some direct eye contact.

He catches himself in a mid-whimper and I force myself to relax and not move. I want him to keep talking to me.

"… Pull… out. Now."

"But it's going to hurt you, Kaoru," my breath hitches, "I don't want to hurt you…"

"Just… do it now," his breathes are heavy again, now that I'm moving under him.

"But then, I'll have to move. Flip over," I bite my lip, "Can you handle that?"

He nods, or I think he nods.

I hope I'm not going to kill him.

"Alright, one-"

I brace him against me, an arm around his shaking body.

"-two-"

I raise half my body from the floor; I feel him shudder and for a split second, I contemplate stopping then-

"-three."

In one movement, our positions are flipped, and in the same sweep, I jerk my hips back, pulling quickly out of him. He can't keep a cry in as he shivers against the cold floor, and he breathes heavily, in and out, his chest rising, eyes closed, exhausted.

I don't drop him, my arm is still under him, supporting him, his entire body limp against my own.

Limply, helplessly…

Different.

-I hate it, we're not the same-

He's in pain, and I'm not. What's it called again?

_It's not fair?_ Not fair that Kaoru's the one who got hurt… again.

-15-

"Kaoru, you alright?" I nudge his chest with my nose. I need reassurance- I really hope I didn't kill him.

"Y-Yeah," he breathes out, and I lighten up faintly. At least he could spell out words.

"I'll bring you onto the bed," my legs seem to respond to this statement, and I brought another arm around his back, lifting him off the floor awkwardly.

He holds a cry in, turning his head to the side, as if hiding tears.

Kamisama, how bad is it?

Gently, I place him onto the messed up bed -done by yours truly- to another wince.

"It hurts?" I ask, curious, but with worry.

He nods, sliding his eyes closed. He doesn't say anything, but at least, I know he's still with me.

Only now did I check the time. My hazel eyes wander to digital clock on our bedside, that read-

"Kaoru, it's _three in the morning!_"

"It-" he snaps up almost entirely upright, but collapses back onto the bed, resigning to his condition, "…what?"

"We've been doing it for about _five_ hours!" I almost panic. "I'm sorry, Kaoru, I'm sorry. It's all my fault, I don't know how to do it properly, I can't believe I _hurt _you, I caused you so much _pain_ and- and- w-well, I'm sorry, Kaoru."

I hang my head in shame, face in the sheets, kneeling at the edge of the bed. I don't know what kind of reaction I'm expecting.

There some silence, but soon his calm, but still breathy, voice cascades over me.

"… Hikaru, you've gone nuts. You shouldn't think ever again."

-odd, he can collect himself so fast-

"Huh?" I raise my head.

He laughs lightly at me, and pats my head, trying not to move a lot, "Really. You don't normally panic."

"Oh."

Sighing, I stand up, almost towering over him -intending to flop onto the bed as well, and then-

His eyes widen, and his face is one of horror, "Kamisama. Hikaru, you're bleeding-!"

"What?" I deadpan. I'm _really_ sure I didn't get hurt at all.

"There!" True, where he pointed at did have a spot of crimson. And that spot-

-damn, it's that thing that broke _him_-

"Kaoru, that isn't my blood! It's yours!"

Immediately, my head reentered guilt mode and I mull around, face in the sheets, my blank eyes boring holes into the ground. _'I hurt him.'_

"No, it isn't!" he protests harshly.

"Yes, it is! Want me to prove it?"

Then I flinch at my own statement; no, I don't want to prove it to him.

It causes pain.

It seems that that same statement shut him up too, and he surrenders, "Fine…"

-Was that an approval?-

I don't think any more about it, but I shift towards the other end of his body. His legs are bent awkwardly above the bed, and his entrance is still in sight. I push a finger against him, and he whimpers. Lightly pressing into him, he lets out a surprised cry once my finger found its way into him, and I immediately pull it out.

Blood coats it.

His knees are shaking.

"Do you want tissue?" I ask him. He shakes his head.

"Bandage?"

"… How?"

"… Well, I can get creative, you know," I reply matter-of-factly.

He just moans in protest, averting his eyes, and I sit onto the edge of the bed, stroking his wet hair. He has been sweating a lot, and only now did I realize how long _five_ hours might've been for him to suffer. It was too long, and for him to experience that as a first time… along with a thoroughly panicked "elder" brother… it must've been very bad for him.

His blush is still apparent on his cheeks, although I think that must've been from forcing himself to relax and not do anything to hurt himself. I sigh.

We differ in that way; whenever I panic, I move; whenever he panics, he freezes. And obviously, his method would've worked very… very well. Had he been seme.

But he wasn't.

Minutes pass and suddenly I feel something weird on my skin.

… That's sweat. I was sweating?

"Hey, Kaoru, I feel sticky, I'm going to take a shower-"

"Hmm?" he blinks like he's woken up. His glassy eyes look at me, as if I said something completely alien.

"I'm going to shower, I'll be back in a few-"

"I want to shower too," he cuts me off, sitting up slowly, wincing at each strained movement. He takes several deep breathes, but still he can't sit up straight. Exhausted, he leans backwards, expecting to fall into the pillows. I catch him.

"I thought you said you wanted to shower?" I taunt, almost sneering at his condition. He rolls his eyes, wincing even more as I help him off the bed. Once I helped his feet find firm ground, his knees collapse and he falls against me.

I support him, habitually, and as carefully as I can. And as much as I hate treating my brother as if he's fragile like glass and completely weak and dependent, I have to. Because he _is_.

This is certainly awkward.

And… sad.

"You can't stand either," I mumble, and he averts his eyes again. "It's my fault. Sorry."

He ignores my words, and shudders as I help him take a step to the bathroom. He grits his teeth.

"Should I just carry you there?" I suggest. I had always been fairly capable of carrying my own weight (aka my twin brother) just for short distances… somewhat.

"Nope, I'm too heavy for you. I don't want you to get hurt."

-like that time when I collapsed from carrying my own weight-

I drag out a smile, "I don't want you to get hurt either."

He doesn't listen to me as he's too busy focusing on the pain between his legs.

"Ow," he whispers, his legs are shaking uncontrollably and again uses me as support. I don't believe he wanted me to hear this, but I did, "It… still hurts."

"Do you want to lie down first?" my brow furrows in concern.

"I want to shower. I feel too sticky," he flinches again at a step. I frown.

Screw whatever he said, about "not wanting you to get hurt," I don't want him hurting himself any farther. I sweep him off his feet, and while he's heavy for me, I can easily make the short trip to the bathroom.

"I am strong!" I smile into the mirror. He rolls his eyes at my idiocy, but his considerable shaking gives away the fact that he was not liking this situation one bit.

"Right, right, don't stroke your ego. Put me down," Kaoru commands, apprehensively. I obey, helping him stand in the shower.

With the absence of our clothing, all we have to do was turn on the faucet. That alone is a very simple task. But doing that with a twin leaning heavily on you is very hard, and so we're bombarded with cold water before we got the correct temperature.

I sigh, letting the warm water caress my entire sweat-soaked body. My eyes find themselves looking at an unstable twin (who's also supposed to be enjoying the warmth) shake in pain. Guilt clouds my eyes.

"Kaoru, I'm sorry."

"How many times do you need to say that?" he rolls his eyes, shifting his weight off of me and onto the nearby wall.

Frowning, I take a sponge off the soap rack and squeeze a bit of soap into it, and I say, completely serious, "No really, you're crippled now."

-and I'm completely fine-

"Temporarily," he interjects, watching me scrub myself.

"Plus your bleeding there-" I accidentally fling suds outside the shower curtains.

-whereas I'm not even feeling pain-

"It'll clot soon enough," he says nonchalantly.

"Also, you have to rely on me for everything!" At this, I grip the purple sponge so tight that the soap flies everywhere.

-and I _hate, hate, hate_ it when we're unequal, unbalanced. It is simply stupid-

"Sorry if I have to be so dependent, but why do you care?" he raises a brow.

An arrow strikes my heart. I stop in mid-ramble.

"I don't know," I revert back to simply scrubbing myself. The water washes the dirtiness off my skin and again I wonder why I hadn't felt so wrong with my brother back there. It was completely natural…

"Kaoru. Do you need help?" I asked, pointing the sponge at him.

-I believe I told him I hated helping him…-

"You're a hypocrite, you know that?" he smirks, but I pull him into the fire of the showerhead. It takes all he has to even stand, his legs still shaking, a hand securely placed on my shoulder. I scrub him down with the same sponge I had, going further down and down, until I brush against it again.

He stifles a pained gasp as he stiffens above me, telling me in a warning tone, "What are you doing, Hikaru?" He doesn't dare turn around in fear of hurting himself.

-I don't know why myself, but I have this addiction of attending to his every need-

I take the showerhead off the hook and brought myself down until I was squatting. I shuffle behind him, forcing him to let go of me, and rely on his own perseverance to stand. And he's shaking. Badly.

"Hikaru-!" He flinches as I aim the water trail directly at his anus, fingering open the hidden hole. I can't go any farther as his legs slacken and he falls back against me.

It's more painful for him than for me-

-I'm going to have to use that lotion to patch him up there-

I try not to slip on the soapy suds as I regain my footing, standing up with a half soapy brother in tow.

"Kaoru, you're more trouble than your worth…"

-and, truthfully, he _is_-

He's silent, then, "Why do you bother then?"

I blink, "Why shouldn't I?"

"If I'm that much trouble."

"You're my brother. I shouldn't just leave you by yourself," I reply, spraying his soapy back with water, my hand holding him still. "Plus, it's my fault."

-my fault, so it's my obligation-

"For what?" I can understand his confusion.

"For…" I hesitate.

"Why is it your fault?" he asks again.

"Because I inflicted this on you. You didn't ask for it," I say.

"Neither did you."

I don't answer; I don't want to.

Even in different circumstances, our feelings, our actions, ourselves, are inevitably interchangeable.

Now, I never wondered if we really aren't _that _alike, and _that_ similar, _that_ interchangeable, when we have completely identical reactions to the same things.

But really, what would've been my answer? I'm too naïve.

_I can't say it, because if I do, then Kaoru's stupid too._

-16-

"So… what about it?"

"About what?" he asks, confusion etched clear in his voice. It's too dark to actually see him.

"… You know, I failed it, so maybe you should try," I say casually, moving a hand in the air.

The next second, the lamp is flicked on, and Kaoru frowns at me through the weak light.

"Baka, I don't have a reason to."

"You do. I found out how our "relationship" worked." He shrugs at this statement, laying down back on his pillows. I turn my body towards him, my arm propping up my head, "You see, Kaoru, you can do whatever I can do, better."

"Only after you do it," he amends, rolling his eyes.

"No really, you are. You just need a demonstration, y'know."

"I _know_," he sighs tiredly, and closes his eyes.

I look expectantly at him, before pulling him off the pillow and onto me. He blinks at this sudden movement, then widens his eyes. I glance lazily at him, "Well?"

"You know my answer," he makes to get off me, "Never."

He gasps as I tug him towards me, "Please, Kaoru? You're better as seme."

"It'll hurt you, Hikaru."

"It doesn't matter."

His frown deepened, "No."

"Why not?" I drawl, as innocently as I could.

He only picks himself off of me, with a great amount of effort, and rolls back onto his side of the bed. I pout.

"Look, Hikaru, there's no way I could hurt you."

My pout turns into a frown. I whisper, "I did."

He furrows his brow, "That was an accident; you don't need a stupid "punishment" to make things straight again."

I blink, and he stares at me incredulously. Then, he sighs.

"Don't act stupid, Hikaru. I'm not letting you do that ever again."

"To who?" I ask, as if confused.

"To yourself."

Has he been doing more thinking than I have?

"… You know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about," I bring myself to sit up. I close my eyes, sigh, and then-

-Kaoru knows I'm lying-

"Hikaru, I'm telling you this once, and once only," Kaoru's voice suddenly took a turn for a low menace-

-for the first time, I don't know what he's going to say-

"Don't you _ever_ be on the bottom. Not for me, not for _anyone_."

My eyes widen. "You-You really think I would ask _other_ people to be the seme?"

He shoots me a glare, "After what you did eight years ago," he scoffs and turns away from me, "I can expect the worst."

-oh, so he remembers-

"Kaoru?" I ask uncertainly, crawling closer to him, snuggling closer to the sheets he buried himself in. I blink at his lack of response, then, "Oh!"

I jump out of the bed, and walk casually to the bathroom, running my hands over the first aid kits, and then, take out a small bottle. Whistling chirpily, I wander back over to the bed, Kaoru look at me confused (and sleepy), holding the bottle behind my back.

"Kaoru, do you still hurt?"

"A little; just whenever I move- AH!" he freezes, as I tug the sheets away from him, and shift his legs apart. I suggested that he shouldn't wear his pajamas, yet, because it might hurt him. He winces, all the while keeping an eye on the hand with the bottle-

"… Is that alcohol, Hikaru?" He has that fright in his tone.

"Nope, it's like this balm thing that'll heal cuts and bruises and stuff," I say, absolutely ignoring how self-defensive he was acting.

I mean, he's just shivering, and he can't even move to protect himself. Okay, so maybe sometimes I did like my moments of dominance. But I can't let him know that.

"Hikaru, what are you-"

"Shh, it'll be alright. I'm not going into the unknown. I know what I'm doing. This," I point to the bottle, "-will make you feel less pain."

"… In what way?"

-oh, this is oh, so fun now-

I slither towards him, knowing that I'm placing him in a very precarious situation. As, he is fully un-clothed, I am fully clothed. I am the mobile one, while he is handicapped. He is on the bottom, and I am on the top. Good; at least, I'm not letting any other person top me.

I love pretending.

He's shivering, obviously getting the hints that I'm sending him. I drag a finger along his jawbone, then I crawl back until I face his lower end. He's practically shaking now, as I dip my hand beneath his thigh, and slowly finger my way to his hole.

He yelps as I find it.

I tug his body as I slowly as I can upwards- either extending this torturous pain, or pacing it out as best I could- and then I open the bottle. Dabbing a lot onto my finger, I dance the lotion-covered finger around his opening -to which he obviously winced- and then, hoping he doesn't cry again, stick it quickly inside.

He's convulsing all over now. "Hikaru… It hurts. Stop-"

After a quick lather of the inside, I pull it out, and my brother completely relaxes again, breathing deeply. I look at him, my expression now one of indifference. I lean towards him, my eyes half-closed.

"You know, Kaoru. I can do anything to you right now, and you can't do anything about it."

"I'm… painfully aware of that…" he retorts cheekily, between breathes.

"You know, no one can do this to you anymore," my fingers touch his hips lightly, moving slowly along his uncovered body, "No one can. You know, you're beginning to scare me."

"Am… Am I now?" he finds it in his voice to snap back at me, forcefully ignoring my touches.

"You're a natural at being the _timid, shy, little brother_, Kaoru," I pull his sheets back over him, "Of course, I'm getting scared. If you want to be in a homosexual relationship with anyone, please be on top."

"… Hikaru, I'm perfectly straight," he sighs, snuggling closer to his pillow. I reach my two arms around him, and nuzzle his ear.

"Just tell me you won't be helpless to anyone, okay? It scared me enough tonight," I coo softly.

"… Alright, I won't."

I give him a "you-sure?" look, "Kaoru, you're my brother. I'm not letting anyone take advantage of you. You can count on that."

"So, we're just brothers?" Kaoru laughs at me. I'm silent; he _knows_. And then-

-he pecks me on the cheek, and pulls back grinning evilly.

Touching my cheek softly, I match his mischievous glint with my own, "Yeah… just brothers."

_And finally, the game is over._

-17-

I hate early mornings; I hate going to school; it's full of idiots… And I really hate the thought of even going to school without Kaoru by my side. He regulates my actions; like… the other side of the scale.

That's the exact reason why…

We need an excuse; and fast.

"Are you two sick again?" our concerned mother hovers over our bed, a hand placed on a sleeping Kaoru's flushed forehead.

Yes, yes, yes, thank you, Kamisama!

"Yeah," I say, altering my voice so it seemed like I had a cold. But it's true, we are sick.

"Kaoru doesn't seem to be burning up…" she comments, nonchalant, but looks over at me. I cover up my face with half the sheets. "Did you two stay up late last night?"

I freeze. My eyes search my brother's, who was peacefully slumbering as if there isn't impending doom just over his shoulders, literally.

"Hikaru, did you lose your voice or something?"

I nod weakly, hiding under the sheets again. She reaches over to touch me, when a pale hand softly stops her.

"Okaasan, we were studying late yesterday… -cough- The air con was very low… -cough, hem- And got us both sick," Kaoru coughs, small tears attempting, but not really attempting to hide in his eyes.

Motherly concern overtakes her again, "Aw, my poor babies," she grips me tightly, practically suffocating me. Heart racing, I glance at my brother, and it's very, very subtle. He winks.

"Dears, I'm going to tell the maids to bring up some soup and medicine, okay? You don't have to go to school today. Get some rest, alright, you two?"

We nod, simultaneously.

I sigh as loudly as possible, as the door slams, signaling the leave of our mother. I try to meet Kaoru's eyes, but he's still looking in the direction of the door. Instead, I opt to grasp his hand, trying to catch his attention.

"Kaoru," he doesn't turn his head, but instead looks to me from his side, "Is it alright to lie to okaasan like this?"

He turns completely towards me, "It's not a lie," then he looks into the distance, "Hikaru, people are going to wonder otherwise. Are you an idiot?"

I blink, worry entering my mind, "Does it still hurt?"

"Of course, it does, baka," he raps me playfully on the head with a hand. "And it's hard… to stand, much less walk."

"Mmm," I don't want to listen to him say something like that, so I move my head to rest on his chest. It's pounding in rhythm with mine; I wonder if he knows that.

"I'll get over it; don't worry," he smiles, patting me on the head. "It's only been about four hours, of course it still hurts."

I'm not calmed.

With Kaoru half-paralyzed, could I have gone to school alone? Can I handle the questions?

"Besides, you can't go to school-" -he read my mind again- "-without me. Better for us both to stay home."

"But-to-_lie_-about-this?" I whisper quickly. He averts his eyes.

"It's alright, Hikaru; no need to get defensive. We've always lied."

"Daattte, Kyouya-senpai-"

"-will kill us. I know."

I frown.

"But what about the "brotherly love" act? How will we explain there's nothing really going on-"

"There isn't, and they assumed there wasn't any in the first place… Just… keep acting."

"And Kyouya-senpai?"

Irritation traces onto his face.

"… We'll get to that when we get to that. Yabbering about profit losses because of our absence or something like that. It won't be that bad… We'll just make more stuff up."

"Yeah," I confirm, "Make more stuff up."

I don't know why I'm taking it harder than he did. It's an unsettled feeling, like our world still can collapse.

The delicate balance of our world… I'm on one side, Kaoru on the other. We work together to keep it steady. But, with Kaoru weak, and all blame on me…

People might think I'm strong enough to support myself; that I'm the stronger one, that I can support both my twin and I. But _really_, we're codependent, in a I-watch-your-back-and-you-watch-mine relationship.

And if Kaoru himself prohibits me from forcing me to "equalizing" the situation, it falls on me to keep it up.

_I'm lucky Kaoru's still keeping me in check._

-18-

We have a mutual understanding.

We know when we're playing and acting as opposed to being serious and solemn.

We know… very well that, on stage, nothing mattered, and in reality, everything did.

So, that's why we pretended _absolutely freakin' nothing _was **wrong**.

Everyone seems to buy the fact that Kaoru "had tripped and fell when he was trying to go down the stairs," and it's "lucky that Hikaru was there to catch him before he fell down the entire flight," so they never question his preference to lay down to "get the pressure off his leg" or the pain that's obviously etched onto his face every single harsh movement. They didn't question why I'm being more overprotective and will not- _absolutely not_- let anyone touch him at all, or why I've suddenly become the sole seme. (They hadn't noticed the act in the first place.)

It's a well-orchestrated play, elaborate, but sensible reason for our absence from the Host Club. First, we lied and said we were sick; the entire staff bought it. Then, Kaoru made an excuse for being delirious from a fever so they wouldn't question why his legs suddenly lost feeling and fell. The maids didn't report to okaasan, so we were sent to school the next day.

But… it's a play, a fake act covering the real one. It's so well-done, I can't imagine _anyone _seeing through it.

_Not even Kyouya-senpai._

I don't know why my heart's beating a mile a minute, as he calls both of us out into the privacy of the hallway outside the third music room. Kaoru's nonchalant, he probably believes it's just about the profits, and Kyouya-senpai's threats…

Actually, I think that's the reason why my heart is thumping.

My twin chooses to lean on me, as casually as possible, as I'm supporting him as carefully as possible, my own hands are stuffed into my pockets. We're normal, appearing to be normal.

"You two may be wondering why I called you out here," his cool calm voice is being eerie.

-and scary-

"We know, we know," our bored voices mixed, "About how our profit loss, and our absences, etc. etc."

"What do we have to do-" I shrug.

"-sponsor some events-"

"-or do we have to pay for the losses?" We quirk our brows at him.

-hopefully, not looking in any way exposed-

He closes his eyes, and places a finger on the bridge of his nose, "Well, that goes without saying. I'm glad you know that well," his cold smile makes my hair stand up on end. "What I want to tell you is that this act…"

Self-defense bubbles up my throat, and before Kaoru could stop me-

"Don't call it an act."

Kaoru freezes beside me. I said something that really, really bad. Biting my lip, my worried eyes roamed to his, he's returning my thoughtful look with a sympathetic smile.

"Hmm," his glasses hides his emotions, sometimes I wish I could see right through them. But they're thick, and light reflects off of it. He collects his words, and talks as if he's treading on rice paper, "Well then, it looks like to me… that Kaoru was on the bottom," color drain from my face; he can't possibly have known. Kaoru has the same expression, and this time, he's not simply mirroring me. "It was easy to tell once you two stopped switching between roles."

'_Crap, damn, shit, hell, damn, HE KNOWS_._'_

"How?" the question echoes in the emptied halls.

The freshman adjusts his glasses knowingly. "Hikaru is the seme, Kaoru is the uke. There would only be two reasons why you set permanent roles. The first," he raises a finger, "-Kaoru felt the need to hide it, so by being pretending to hide his role with the obvious, no one would know otherwise. A risky trick of deception. The second," he raises another finger, and I actually see it rise quickly and sharply, "-it was _Hikaru_ who is being overprotective and by taking the role of the seme, it won't _look_ like he's being defensive. A common solution. It depends on who initiated it. If Hikaru was the reason, it would've been because he was on the top. As would've Kaoru."

"Which one is it, then?" Kaoru's voice challenges.

He smirks, "The second," he gives me a cold gray eye, "Hikaru has his reasons."

-what reasons?- echo in my cavernous mind. What reasons that he can find that I myself don't realize?

"There's no proof we've done anything, anyway," I loudly claim, "When did you decide that… that our act is real?"

-maybe, because it always was-

He doesn't answer, and dodges it, "Hikaru is being defensive. All the proof that there needs to be."

I don't like his all knowing attitude, and I'm about to open my mouth in protest when Kyouya-senpai silences me with a threatening glare.

Kaoru responds, shrugging, "Can't put it pass the Shadow King to see through it," he simpers.

And I only drop my jaw at his reaction; how can he be so damn CALM?!

"No, I simply had some pointers from Hani-senpai and Mori-senpai."

"They know too?!" I explode, and Kaoru places a hand on my mouth before the guests inside the club room hear. Anger wears off soon enough, and soon a trace of red tints my cheeks.

"Aa!" a chippy voice that I _so_ did not have to hear approaches, and the small second-year suddenly appears from out of nowhere. Hani-senpai cocks his head to the side, "So you really did it, huh?"

Kaoru crosses his arms, indifferent; as I completely lose it.

"You were just guessing?!"

"No, I saw that Kao-chan was hurting and I told Kyou-chan about it!"

I want to take his ears and pull them long and hard.

"You don't have to worry about us-" Kaoru's serene voice calms me, "-we know."

Oh, yeah. I force myself to relax. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

"It's game over. Nothing going on," I retreat back to Kaoru's side, adopting an indifferent tone like he did.

Hani-senpai looked at a taller person- when did Mori-senpai get here- and then burst into a big smile.

"Alright! Now, let's all go in and eat some cake!"

A carefree junior jumps through the silence, the solemn shadow following him, opening the door to a pink-walled room. We make our way inside, and just as I had an arm around Kaoru's waist, a evil chuckle escapes behind us.

"Well, then, I don't believe you'll need this anymore."

Kyouya-senpai flashes a small tube, and two pairs of eyes go wide-

I don't know how fast my legs move to get back into the room.

I just knew I didn't want my innocence tainted. Again.

-19-

We are identical, the same, no different, one whole, and interchangeable.

We are, I convince myself as I see my mirror image raise a cup to his lips, sipping delicately from the porcelain. I know he's only acting regal, not like he really is delicate. Nor will he give me any more chances when he will be, because he knows I hate it, and he knows being different is _hell_.

We are the same, no different, identical, and interchangeable.

I place a sugar cube into his lowered cup, and he nods appreciatively, giving me an acted out shy smile. We ignore the girls in front of us, who are squealing their head off at this somehow romantic exchange. (Their fantasies are idiotic. Giving sugar can be romantic, apparently.)

But it's just him and me; the rest of the world is blurred, black and white.

We are the _same_, _I don't like different_, and completely identical.

And interchangeable?

The girls quiet down, as another act unfolds.

"Hikaru," his voice is smoother, quieter. I know I can do that too. He holds up tongs with a sugar cube in them, "Do you want one? Or two?"

"You know what I like," I say, truthfully, giving him a smile. It might've been a romantic one, due to the screaming of the girls, but I don't care.

He gives me a smile, one unlike the one he usually pulls for the act. A knowing smile. With his other hand, he brushes my hair, and I blink. It's a caring tone, "Who else would?"

I have the decency to blush at this statement, but I'm lucky the girls are looking away right now.

What I could do for him, he could do for me. It's the same, it can be exchanged among each other. I can't handle our relationship any other way; it has to be neither of us is dominant, or submissive.

We are interchangeable. What I am is what he is, what I can do is what he can do, what I can give and take away is what he give and take as well.

It is my love style. _Our_ love style.

And I won't have it any other way.


End file.
